Monday, July 20, 2015

1990 (TV series 1977-1978)

1990 (TV series)

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
1990
1990-tv tie-in book one.jpg
Book cover for paperback novelization of first series, showing Edward Woodward as Jim Kyle
GenreDrama
Created byWilfred Greatorex
Written byWilfred Greatorex
Edmund Ward
Jim Hawkins
Arden Winch,
Directed byAlan Gibson
David Sullivan Proudfoot
Kenneth Ives
Rob Bird
Peter Sasdy
Roger Tucker
StarringEdward Woodward
Robert Lang
Barbara Kellerman (series 1)
Lisa Harrow (series 2)
Tony Doyle
Clifton Jones (Series 1)
Clive Swift (series 2)
Theme music composerJohn Cameron
Country of originUnited Kingdom
No. of series2
No. of episodes16
Production
Producer(s)Prudence Fitzgerald
Release
Original channelBBC2
Original release18 September 1977 – 10 April 1978
1990 is a British then-futuristic political drama television series produced by the BBC and shown in 1977 and 1978.

Plot[edit]

The series is set in a dystopian future in which Britain is under the grip of the Home Office's Public Control Department (PCD), a tyrannically oppressive bureaucracy riding roughshod over the population's civil liberties.
Dubbed "Nineteen Eighty-Four plus six" by its creator, Wilfred Greatorex1990 stars Edward Woodward as journalist Jim Kyle, Robert Lang as the powerful PCD Controller Herbert Skardon, Barbara Kellerman as Deputy PCD Controller Delly Lomas, John SavidentYvonne Mitchell (in her last role), Lisa HarrowTony DoyleMichael Napier Brown and Clive Swift.
Two series, of eight episodes each, were produced and broadcast on BBC2 in 1977 and 1978. The series has never been repeated nor received any official DVD or video release. Two novelizations based on the scripts were released in paperback by the publisher Sphere; Wilfred Greatorex's 1990, and Wilfred Greatorex's 1990 Book Two.
Jim Kyle (Edward Woodward) is a journalist on the last independent newspaper called The Star, who turns renegade and fights the PCD covertly. The officials of the PCD (headed by Controller Herbert Skardon (Robert Lang), in turn, try to find proof of Kyle's subversive activities. Skardon's two Deputy Controllers were Delly Lomas (Barbara Kellerman), who had an ambiguous personal relationship with Kyle, and Henry Tasker (Clifton Jones); however, in the second series, these two Deputies were replaced by Lynn Blake (Lisa Harrow), a former love interest of Kyle's (in the novelization of episodes from Series Two, the explanation given for the replacement of Delly Lomas was that she had been "relegated to obscurity in the Dundee Branch of the PCD"; no explanation was given for Henry Tasker's departure). Kyle was aided and abetted by Import/Export Agent Dave Brett (Tony Doyle) and provided from time to time with Top Secret government information by the mysterious "Faceless" (Paul Hardwick), who was a top-level government official tapped into the PCD. The whole government machine was headed by Home Secretary Dan Mellor (John Savident), replaced in office in Series Two (supposedly through Kyle's efforts) by Kate Smith (Yvonne Mitchell).

Background[edit]

Exposition in this series was mainly performed by facts occasionally dropped into dialogue requiring the viewer to piece together the basic scenario.
This state of affairs was precipitated by an irrecoverable national bankruptcy in 1983, triggering a de facto state of emergency. In the General Election only 22% voted.The economy (and imports) drastically contracted forcing stringent rationing of housing, goods and services. These are distributed according to a person's status in society as determined (and constantly reviewed) by the PCD on behalf of the union-dominated socialist government. As a consequence, the higher-status individuals appear to be civil servants and union leaders. An exception to this are import/export agents, which appear to be immune to state control due to their importance to the remnants of the economy. The House of Lords has been abolished and turned into an exclusive dining club. State ownership of businesses appears to be near-total and taxation of wealth and income appears to be very high. The reigning monarch is male, but his identity is never made clear. The currency is the Anglodollar which appears to have little value overseas due to the international boycott of British exports. The armed forces have been run down to the extent that they are little more than an internal security force. This is made clear in one episode where the RAF is depicted as consisting of little more than a handful of Harrier Jump Jets and a few dozen counter-insurgency helicopters. Despite this National Service has been re-introduced. It is said that in 1986 two Army Generals and a retired Air Chief Marshall attempted a coup against the government, but it failed.
Although running the bureaucratic dictatorship, the state appears to shy away from explicit political violence, preferring to set up psychiatric pseudo-hospitals called 'Adult Rehabilitation Centres' which employ electro-convulsive treatments to 'cure' dissidents. Ordinary criminals found guilty of traditional and new economic and social crimes are prevented from clogging up the prison system by having short sentences during which they are force-fed 'misery pills', which induce severe depression during their incarceration. Despite this, fatalities and injuries do occur due to the PCD's lack of democratic accountability but these are misreported or ignored by the state-controlled press and television or are suppressed by the print unions on the last independent newspaper in the UK. The state can also declare a person to be a 'non-citizen' which denies them any entitlement whatsoever to consumer goods, accommodation or food. Labour is controlled by a mandatory closed shop in every workplace. For at least part of the series, the country is on a three-day working week, presumably to conserve energy or to promote full employment through job sharing. Taking a second job is illegal as is 'parasitism', defined as claiming state benefits while fit for work.Ombudsman's Courts which are fixed in favour of the state are the key part of the legal system.
Emigration is a key problem with a steady 'Brain Drain' countered by PCD Emigration officers who try to watch every port and airfield. Despite this, professional and skilled labour is fast disappearing from the country in a similar manner to East Germany before the Berlin Wall.

External links[edit]

Sunday, July 19, 2015

World on a Wire (1973)

World on a Wire (GermanWelt am Draht), is a 1973 science fiction film directed by Rainer Werner Fassbinder. Shot in 16 mm, it was made for German television and originally aired in 1973, as a two-part miniseries. Starring Klaus Löwitsch, it was based on the novel Simulacron-3 by Daniel F. Galouye. An adaptation of the film was presented as the playWorld of Wires, directed by Jay Scheib, in 2012.[1]

Plot[edit]

At the Institute for Cybernetics and Future Science ("Institut für Kybernetik und Zukunftsforschung, IKZ"), a new supercomputer hosts a simulation program that includes an artificial world with over 9,000 "identity units" who live as human beings, unaware that their world is just a simulacron. Professor Vollmer (Adrian Hoven), who is technical director of the program, is apparently on the verge of an incredible secret discovery. He becomes increasingly agitated and anti-social before dying in a mysterious accident. His successor, Dr. Fred Stiller, has a discussion with Günther Lause, the security adviser of the institute, when the latter suddenly disappears without trace, before passing on Vollmer's secret to Stiller. More mysterious still is the fact that none of the other IKZ employees seem to have any memory of Lause.
Meanwhile, one of the identity units in the simulation attempts suicide. This unit is deleted by Stiller's colleague Walfang, to keep the simulation stable. To investigate the reasons for the suicide, Stiller contacts the contact unit of the simulated world. The unit, called Einstein, is the only identity unit who knows about the simulation, and this is necessary to run the program. In an attempt to become a real person, Einstein switches his mind into Walfang's body while the latter is in contact with the simulated world. Einstein gives Stiller an explanation for the mysteries, vanishing memories, and vanishing persons. He tells him that the real world is nothing else but a simulation of a real world one level above.
This knowledge causes Stiller to slip into insanity. The other "real" people interrogate Stiller, and he is threatened with death, incarceration, and involuntary commitment. Stiller is finally able to convince Hahn, the IKZ psychologist, of his theory. The latter soon dies in an accident that is pinned on Stiller, marking him as the suspected murderer of both Hahn and Vollmer.
Stiller flees and searches for the necessary contact unit who can connect the "real" world with the real world a level above. He survives several assassination attempts and discovers the contact is Eva, Vollmer's daughter, with whom he had once had a romance. Eva tells him he was modeled on the real Fred Stiller, a person whom Eva loved, but became mad with power from directing the simulation in the world above. While Stiller is programmed to die in an ambush, Eva switches the minds of the two Stillers and brings the simulated Stiller into the real world.

Commander (1988)

Commander (1988)

Commander (1988)- * * * *

AKA: The Last American Soldier

Directed by: Ignazio Dolce

Starring: Craig Alan, Max Laurel, David Light, Mike Monty and Tanya Gomez








Wow! Now here’s a hidden gem if there ever was one. Commander (AKA Last American Soldier), we can safely say, is one of the best - if not the best - Exploding Hut movie of all time. Probably more huts explode (along with just about everything else within a 100-mile radius) in this movie than in any other Exploding-Hutter...COMBINED. The plot, if there even is one, is nothing more than a simple excuse to perhaps win a Guinness World Record for the most jam-packed kaleidoscopic cornucopia of blow-ups, explosions, detonations, fireballs, firebursts, fireblasts, combustions, ignitions, flare-ups, and, yes, cannonades ever committed to film. And if you think there isn’t a difference between all these things, Commander will show you the subtle nuances, and the whole outing gives new meaning to the band name “Porno for Pyros”!

Sure, you may have seen some Italian-made, jungle-set “Rambo knockoffs” before such as Tornado (1983), Rolf(1984), Strike Commando (1987), Strike Commando 2 (1988), etc. (or non-Italian outings such as Mannigan’s Force(1988) or anything on the Mercs box set), but here we have something special. For starters, we have true American hero Craig Alan in the lead as Commander. He’s a one-man army of epic proportions, an unshaven, beer-swilling killing machine who’s so macho he makes Arnold Schwarzenegger look like Richard Simmons. His voice sounds like a narcoleptic Elvis. At the end of every line he utters, you’re just waiting for a “thank yuh, thankyuhverymuch.” But he cares very much about freedom, and if he has to slaughter entire regions to make his dream of freedom happen, then, so be it. Evil Russians and commies have to get what’s coming to them. And speaking of Arnie, don’t get confused - the title Commander isn’t meant to recall any other movie titles, surely. Actually, if this movie brings anything similar to mind, it’s high body count-classics like No Dead Heroes (1986).


It should also be highlighted that his name is Commander, which leads to actual dialogue such as “Commander seems very efficient.” Evidently his rank is Sergeant, which would mean his name is “Sgt. Commander”. That alone makes this movie worth seeing. God bless losses in translation. Of course, the director, Ignazio Dolce, also directedLast Flight to Hell (1990), which, as we all know, had a great sceenplay. 

Mike Monty has very minimal screen time as a Major, but that doesn’t stop Commander from getting into a conflict with him. Apparently all this is happening some time after the Vietnam war, and Commander is helping the people of Southeast Asia to be free, before the commies can take over their villages. He has a girlfriend of sorts named Cho Lin (Gomez), but a lot more time is spent on the Prerequisite Torture than on any time with her. In between blow-ups, there’s some shooting. Then some more shooting. And maybe a few knifings. For extra added spice, there’s some neck snaps. But it’s all about the explosions (helicopters certainly included), and this movie delivers, and then some. It makes Hollywood pap like Blown Away (1994) look like Larry Crowne (2011). And it’s all set to a quality Simon Boswell score. How can you lose?


Criminally, Commander was never released on VHS in the U.S. Evidently it only came out in Greece, Brazil, and, of course, Japan (they get everything). Based on that kind of poor decision-making, is this even a country Commander would want to serve? We didn’t even release COMMANDER for God’s sake. Well, what the world needs now - RIGHT now - is this movie. In our wimpy, wussy, overly-PC, “Gun Free Zone”, wet-noodle, touchy-feely culture, Commander stands as a raging, double-middle-finger “F-you” to all the liberal sludge polluting our lives. Craig Alan is our new hero, and he will be yours too when you see this utter classic of the action genre. This movie just rules. See it ASAP.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty  

Saturday, July 18, 2015

The Vindicator (1986)

The Vindicator (1986)

The Vindicator (1986)- * * *

Directed by: Jean-Claude Lord

Starring: David McIlwraith, Teri Austin, Richard Cox, Maury Chaykin, and Pam Grier









A scientist/researcher, Carl Lehman (McIlwraith) is in a bit of a bind. He has a loving wife, Lauren (Austin) who is pregnant with their first child. But also he was horribly disfigured in a lab accident, presumed dead, revived and put in an indestructible bodysuit, and is on the run because he is programmed to kill against any sort of human will he has left. So you can see his predicament. Diabolical scientist Whyte (Cox) hires a bounty hunter of sorts, named, naturally, Hunter (Grier) to stop the man they now call "Frankenstein". But after this modern-day Frankenstein (see the movie's alternate title) beats up some street punks in an alley, we see what he's capable of. Through all this mess, he still communicates with his wife by speaking via the family synthesizer! And what does the Chris Christie-like Burt Arthurs (Chaykin) have to do with all this? Will Frankenstein come "unbound"? Find out today...


Not to be confused with The Exterminator (1980), The Terminator (1984), Eliminators (1986), The Revenger(1989), or The Punisher (1989), THE VINDICATOR is a highly comic book-influenced sci-fi actioner that wears its Canadian heritage on its sleeve with pride. Director Jean-Claude Lord proves there's more than one guy named "Jean-Claude" in the movie industry that we should be aware of. He imbues the project with an intelligence that keeps the viewers' interest. He seems pretty influenced by his compatriot David Cronenberg, but Lord's approach to some of the same themes Cronenberg has tackled is much more populist and aimed for the heart of the video store market. While on the one hand, Carl's "body horror" and his examination of his own humanity is reminiscent of Cronenberg, Pam Grier with a super soaker-like weapon shooting people in a sewer as cars blow up really isn't.


The most obvious parallel we can see to The Vindicator is, of course, Robocop (1987), which came out the following year, which is extremely interesting. The Vindicator came first, much like Greedo's shootings. But the sewer scenes recall yet more movies, C.H.U.D. (1984) and Alligator (1980) - Pam Grier's character is reminiscent of Henry Silva's in the latter movie. So it's fair to say The Vindicator is an amalgam of many different sci-fi/fantasy/horror/comic book ideas from years past. Thankfully there are enough of these ideas so that the filmmakers and cast can make it work. This is a movie that is filled with as many strange situations as it has strange-looking people. It was from a golden time when scientists smoked and cops shot monkeys with abandon. Also there's a line of dialogue about "3000 free games of Zaxxon", totally in keeping with our perspective today as the movie as retro-futuristic.

Released by Key video back in the good old days of the video store, The Vindicator has a certain unorthodox appeal and is worth seeing.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

MY FRIENDS NEED KILLING (1976)

Cult Film Faves Not On DVD: My Friends Need Killing (1976) review


MY FRIENDS NEED KILLING 1976

Greg Mullavey (Gene Kline), Meredith MacRae (Laura Kline), Clayton Wilcox (Gil Perkins), Roger Cruz (Les Drago), Bill Michael (Walter Miller)

Directed by Paul Leder

"...After what we did in 'Nam...I mean, we all gotta pay...we gotta pay for that."

The Short Version: This bleak little 73 minute psuedo horror picture is about a mentally dysfunctional freakshow who, after spending time under psychiatric care, decides that his ex-war buddy Friends Need Killing. Despite an obvious skid row production, the guy who brought you the touching exploitation classick, I DISMEMBER MAMA (1974) and the US-Korean Krap fest A*P*E (1976) manages to capture an occasional atmosphere of dread in one of the least discussed post Vietnam trash pics. Leder goes for the throat much of the time, but at least one sequence opts out of nauseating the audience for a more upbeat, if still ultimately gloomy coda. Worth it for Mullavey's amazing, brain-fried meltdown performance alone.

Deeply disturbed after his experiences in the Vietnam War, former POW, Gene Kline, sits up in bed one night and comes to the realization that he and his old war buddies deserve to die for the crimes they perpetrated while overseas. Kline sends out letters to his friends letting them know he's coming for a visit to reminisce about old times. Little do they know that he's coming to kill them.

The 1970s is my favorite era of cinema. There are so many movies that dared to cross lines, push envelopes and turn stomachs with alarming rapidity. The sheer volume of films is staggering as is the amount of low budget wonders that remain unaccounted for on the digital format. The beauty of this era was that it wasn't unusual for a meagerly budgeted movie of questionable taste to get booked in a theater or Drive In considering the video boom wouldn't take hold till the 80s broke. MY FRIENDS NEED KILLING (1976) is one of those movies that has slipped through the cracks of exploitation cinemas extensive canon."You keep makin' those funny remarks...I don't even think about the war no more."
Director and MAMA DISMEMBERer, Leder, returns to the sleazy territory first trampled in his 1974 staple about a psycho mother-woman hater; a film bearing one of the most well known titles of that era. Here, though, the script substitutes I DISMEMBER MAMA's mentally unbalanced mother fixated malcontent with a mentally unbalanced ex 'Nam vet fixated on war atrocities he was involved in.

It's apparent in nearly every scene that Leder had an extremely low amount of money to work with here. All the interiors are shot within single rooms, or what is likely somebody's house helping out with the production 
with nary a scene transition in sight. There's a lot of post dubbed dialog laid over the onscreen action at times, which helps in hurrying things along. It also doesn't help matters that this difficult to obtain film is only currently available in a battered videotape copy floating around within collectors circles. A widescreen presentation would at least open things up a bit."How many did we kill? How many? Let's see...there was a chief...his wife...two old ladies...four old men...and four kids...and four kids...and four...a dozen...twelve...that's how many, twelve..."


The main selling point here is the lead performance by Mullavey. He's absolutely terrifying to say the least. He spends the film either staring blankly off into space, talking as if he is somebody else, or erupting in fits of violence that tend to leave people dead throughout his corpse strewn trek between California and Texas. From the opening scene we realize there are serious issues going on inside his brainpan.

To add to Kline's mania and the abhorrent ambiance, the filmmakers occasionally, and generously dot his scenes with actual Vietnam atrocity footage. This adds an even more queasy element that surpasses Leder's more well remembered movie. While I DISMEMBER MAMA had a tasteless aura all its own, there's no mama dismembering, but in MY FRIENDS NEED KILLING, the title pretty much tells it all.
Meredith MacRae plays Gene's wife, Laura Kline. She's very good, too, as the concerned, and eventually grieving wife upon learning what her husband is up to. She starts out as merely worried as to her husbands whereabouts, but quickly crumbles when he calls fearing he may commit suicide. Little does she know he has been on a killing spree the entire time.

These two performers make up for the slack of some of the others. Both she and Mullavey had the lengthiest careers and were both married in real life. MacRae even sings the main theme song, 'Mirror of Time'. Some of Leder's family contributed to this picture as well.
"...Just before he was captured, he was flippin' out a couple of times."

It would be beneficial to learn what the participants think of this movie today. It would be interesting to know if anything was cut from the finished product. There's actually a bonafide good piece of storytelling buried just beneath the surface. By the time it claws its way to the surface, the film is over.

There's fleeting moments here that foreshadow the grim visceral punch of ROLLING THUNDER from the following year, arguably the most famous example of the 'Disturbed 'Nam Vet' sub-genre. That film benefited from a substantially larger (if still low) budget, notable technicians behind the camera, and thespians who went on to bigger things.


"They didn't count, they were just gooks!"


An uncomfortable dinner conversation that begins with laughter, but ends with lots of screaming.

The violence itself is rather tasteless and made all the more unnerving in that Kline moralizes with each friend before snuffing them out in assorted gruesome ways that befit the violence they perpetrated in 'Nam. The editing scheme here is also worth mentioning, lending itself to the unsettling groove established right from the start; the aforementioned 'Nam death footage inserts being extremely effective.Easily the grimmest sequence is the second killing. Kline ends up at his friend Gil's house in Southern California. Spending the night, it becomes known that Gil had no desire to even entertain Kline. He reveals to his wife of Gene's crumbling state before and after he ended up as a prisoner of war. We also see that Gil is into rough sex and pretty much rapes his wife when she doesn't feel like entertaining him.

Kline then gets out of bed a short time later, grabs the revolver from his suitcase and enters their room. Suddenly changing his personality, Kline is now back in 'Nam and thinks he's Gil and that he's stumbled upon a couple of Vietcong. When information about captured men and supplies isn't forthcoming, Kline shoots Gil in the hand and leg. He forces his wife to tie him up then rapes her in front of him.

Not only did this woman suffer a rough ride from her husband, but later in the night, she's raped yet again, this time by a psycho who thinks he's still slumming it in the sweltering Vietnamese jungle.
"I should'a left you in that loony bin when you cracked up over there."
The third murder is possibly the most revealing conver-sational piece when Gene Kline next visits his old friend Les; living alone and a member of a theater group. Les is obviously disturbed, too, but not to the murderous degree of our main character. Gene uses Les's feelings of regret and detachment to help him in his last big "performance" that culminates in a twisted level of Kevorkian death dealing.

It's one of a few times this movie belies its exploitation roots in an effort to strive for something more than mindless brutality.
"Walt made Les kill the kids, he made him kill the kids! I think one of those kids belonged to the chief's wife...Walt thought it was funny when the chief's wife threw herself on that kid...he then told me to kill the chief! My hands were shaking so hard I could hardly hold the gun!! Walt saved the chief's wife for himself...she was pregnant...just like you. Her belly was out to there...he did it with a knife...it comes to an end now, anyway. No more memory...no more pain..."

The last fifteen minutes of the picture wherein Kline confronts his former Sergeant is the most suspenseful section of the movie.

All of the scenes with Kline in the presence of those unknowing that he intends to cancel them out are very well done on this shoe-string budget. You're left wondering just when Kline is going to snap and what he has in store for his victims. That Walter, his former commander, has a pregnant wife, makes the finale all the more distressing.
However, the fate of one character pretty much goes how you expect save for one bit that, despite taking the "high" road, is rather surprising after everything that's come before it. For a movie rife with so much revulsion, this moment during the finale may disappoint hardened trash peddlers. I was nonetheless surprised and thought this bit of exploitational deceptiveness was commendable and went a long way in allowing me to forgive the director for A*P*E (1976).

Fans of rare, obscure 70s movies will want this in their collections as will those with a predilection for lower rung Hollywood fare built around controversial topics that were raging in the news of the day. Without doubt a product of its time period, and in spite of its under-budgeted short-comings, MY FRIENDS NEED KILLING is in dangerous need of a wider audience.

*A big thank you to Chris P. for allowing me the opportunity to finally see this 70s rarity*
- See more at: http://www.coolasscinema.com/2012/05/cult-film-faves-not-on-dvd-my-friends.html#sthash.uUuOkSlZ.dpuf

Fairlight - Drinking Leroy | C64 demo, Full HD 50 fps, Real SID

Drinking Leroy by Fairlight
Commodore 64 demo, Full HD / 50 fps capture + real SID recording.

Released last weekend at Edison 2015 demo party, got #2 in the mixed demo competition.

Demo credits:

Code: Moh
Music: Zabutom
Gfx: Vodka, Ogami

For binary download &all info visit:
http://csdb.dk/release/?id=139585
http://www.pouet.net/prod.php?which=6...

Hoaxers - æ°£ (Qi) | C64 demo, Full HD 50 fps, Real SID

æ°£ (aka Qi) by Hoaxers
Commodore 64 + REU demo , Full HD / 50 fps capture + real SID recording.

The demo utilises & requires a 512 Kb (minimum) ram expansion unit (REU).

Released this weekend at Solskogen 2015, and won the mixed oldschool demo competition.

Credits:

Code: Firehawk
Music: Response, Kristian Myklebust
Gfx: Joe, Grasstust, BHF, Kristian Myklebust, Firehawk

For binary download + more info:
http://csdb.dk/release/?id=139711
http://www.pouet.net/prod.php?which=6...

Friday, July 17, 2015

Tomb Seven (book) 1985

http://cinemasochistapocalypse.blogspot.fi/2014/06/tomb-seven-book-1985.html

Tomb Seven (book) 1985

Written by Gene Snyder

It's time for more shiterary...er, literary shenanigans. Somewhere in Michigan, Tim Lehnerer is pointing vaguely in the direction of Iowa and laughing and saying, “It serves you right!” I've detailed elsewhere my refusing to buy a copy of Flesh, which he tried to talk me into at Half Price Books on the B-Fest trip several years ago, on the grounds that it didn't have a monster on the cover, just a crappy painting of a lady and a hand. This resulted in me getting sniped with eight copies of Flesh throughout the next year's trip. This year at HPB, I broke from my own tradition and picked up a copy of Tomb Seven. The cover is an unremarkable picture of an Aztec pyramid, but get a load of this fucking back cover copy:

The Discovery
High in the mountains of Mexico an ancient Indian
tomb filled with priceless relics is uncovered –
and the terrifying curse of the Old Ones
is renewed with a vengeance

The Sacrifice
It begins as the American leader of the expedition,
a healthy, athletic scientist, dies of sheer
terror. It continues with a threat too
gruesome to be believed...

The Horror
Then the unspeakable evil takes hold. The earth
erupts, and a race of mummified giants is discovered 
as the Russians and Americans race to steal
                                                             the awesome secrets of... 

Tomb Seven

Now, I don't know about you, but to me, that sounds like a book I would love to read! You know what? I still would, because the book I read sure as fuck didn't have any of that awesome stuff in it.

Instead, what we get is the half-baked story of Welsh archaeologist Dr. Jason Farewey, Mexican psychic and archeology student Lupe Munoz, and...no, you know what? Half-baked is giving Snyder too much credit. This garbage is still batter in a mixing bowl sitting on the fucking counter because the author got bored and went off to read something interesting LIKE THE BOOK THE GODDAMN AD COPY MADE ME THINK I WAS GOING TO GET TO READ! Arrrrrgh! Ok, deep breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth. You can do this, Rags, get a grip.

All right, I'll let you in on a fact that will probably make it dawn on you instantly what this waste of dead trees and scared squid is actually about. It sure would have been helpful to me ahead of time. Gene Snyder is apparently one of those doofuses (doofi?) who buy into all that ancient aliens bullshit lock, stock, and barrel. I can hear your groans from here.

Dr. Farewey is your typical no-nonsense scientific skeptic-type, who gets called in to a dig in Mexico because they keep having cave ins and he comes from a mining background so he's really good and engineering tunnels that won't collapse and kill everyone. But there's a catch. He's going to have to swallow his skeptical pride and take Lupe the psychic with him. Not only does Jerry Tanner, the director of the Moreland Research Institute which is funding the dig, think Lupe can help him locate trapped diggers, he also believes she will be able to find more figurines like the one he shows Jason. Sculpted in gold with a precision that puts even modern metalworking techniques to shame, adorned with jewels from halfway around the globe that no Aztec or Olmec or Mixtec would have been able to get hold of, and representing animals they would never have laid eyes on, the artifact is a great mystery. Oh, and the gold is alloyed with titanium. Yeah.

So away they go to Mexico, predictably bickering the whole time about how Farewey needs to open his mind, and how Lupe is just a silly woman, until of course all their differences and antagonism add up to irresistible attraction and they start fucking every chance they get. Then the Russians get involved because of Cold War reasons, and everyone ends up racing to a finish line that refuses to generate any tension because the only party who has a clear goal is the Mexican government, who just wants the other two countries to go the fuck home and stop stealing all their cultural relics. I think somehow, discovering the treasure chamber full of fancy gold dolphins underneath the tomb will give whoever possesses them the power of...I don't know. Unlimited refills at Starbucks or some damn thing. Snyder had no idea what the hell was supposed to be going on, so how do you expect me to?

Every fifty or sixty pages, things would seem to be building to a crescendo, and I'd get all excited. Hell yeah, I'd think. All this boring, dated sexual politics and science-bashing is about to end and here come the erupting tombs and the mummified giants to stomp across the countryside tearing shit up! And then Jason and Lupe would have some sex in their hotel and another goddamn tunnel would collapse and we'd have to spend another few pages with the Mexican cartel boss who was trying to steal the gold to flood the market so he could buy a bunch of strong dollars for weak pesos and make a fortune or some such nonsense. Eventually it all just petered out, the tomb collapsed, and everyone went home empty handed. Well, everyone but Jason. See, Lupe cured him of his scientific reasoning, made him believe the truth of the secret origin of man, which was clearly engineered by aliens because Atlantis is real and pyramids are really hard to build, and changed him from a cynical hard-hearted chauvinist into an open-minded, sensitive modern man of the 80's. Baaaaarrrrrrrrrf.

No clear plot. No guts to even flat out turn it into a straight up alien encounter story. Plot threads like Lupe's ESP powers being a gift from our benevolent alien creators which manifests in a lucky few who represent the aliens' wishes for our ultimate evolution which are hinted at and go nowhere. It just putters along, its incoherent characters and motivations and ideas never building to anything, until it gives up with a sad little wheeze and the only thing keeping you from throwing it in the recycling bin in disgust is the promise of a few pennies' worth of trade-in value the next time you head back to the book store.

Oh, and that race of mummified giants? They find one skeleton – not a mummy, mind, a skeleton – that's a little on the tall side.

If any of you happen to run into Gene Snyder, punch him in the dick for me.





I'm sure as hell not posting a link to buy this turd burger, so instead, you e-reader types should snag this nifty book about the horror films of Hammer Studios by my friend Dave Thomas.